I am not someone who journals. I think because I write for a living, I don’t find it relaxing to do in my down time. I am much more apt to processing things in conversation.
So, when I feel the rare pull to start writing as a mode of processing things, I do it. That happened recently. Also, when I say rare, I mean rare. The last entry in that journal was from 2019.
Another reason I don’t journal often is because I am even more of a thinker than I am a talker. So, writing down the same things I’ve been thinking about and talking about with others just feels like a waste of time. But occasionally I will write something down that’s new to me. That also happened the other day.
I wrote the following sentences:
“The relationship lasted much longer than the love did. I am never going to do that again.”
It was a tough, but true revelation. I was reflecting on relationships I’ve had, and how I held on to them for the sake of being in a relationship, not for the sake of it being the right fit. And I will take equal responsibility here. In more than one case, he wasn’t right for me, and I wasn’t right for him, but I held on, nonetheless.
I realized that growing up finding love felt like the golden ticket. If I had it, I couldn’t let it go. I’m living proof sometimes you have to let love leave. And if you feel it slipping away, clinging to it doesn’t make it better. You can, and likely will, love multiple people in your lifetime.
Allow me to introduce you to Kylie Morgan’s song “Fireworks”
Now lookin' back I don't know what I'd do
If I blamed my past and I missed out on you
I hope that I never learn
'Cause even though I've been burned
I still love fireworks
I felt the connection these lyrics had to what I journaled. Kylie is telling us to not close ourselves off from love because we’ve been hurt before. I am saying sometimes you have to let love go, not because love itself is bad, but because the wrong kind of love is. It seems Kylie and I agree that we owe it to ourselves, and our future forever partners, to be good stewards of our hearts.
Although love is the most important thing most of us are looking for, there is nothing lonelier than being in the wrong love. Choose to be alone, before you choose love for the sake of being in a relationship. Because if you are stuck in the wrong love, the right love won’t be able to find you.
An affirmation to try: I will wait for the love that makes me grateful for the hurt that came before it, and confident that same hurt won’t happen again.
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